Guess who's going back to work tomorrow? This exhausted mama! Insert wild applause mixed with a dash of nervous laughter. Yes, the time has come for me to dust off my power suits, trade my spit-up-stained shirts for something more dignified, and embark on the next chapter of my life: balancing motherhood and my career as an attorney. Can I hear a collective "Yikes!"?

So far, the idea of having a “work-life balance” feel like chasing a unicorn through a field of rainbow cotton candy—elusive, enchanting, but near impossible. How can you possibly be fully present at your job and at home? Unless you can clone yourself, it’s impossible.

As I’ve heard from many of my new moms, moms often unintentionally become experts at feeling guilty about everything when they go back to work. Guilty for missing the first smile or the first roll-over. Guilty for not being there every second of the day. Guilty for letting someone else take care of your child, or having to ask for help.

More than guilt, what I’m feeling is an underlying anxiety about the unknown. What if I hate working as a new mom? What would that mean for my family financially? Would I have to suck it up and figure it out, or would I rearrange my life to allow for a decreased workload? 

I had a call with a friend the other day who said “If anyone can balance working and being a mama, it’s you.” And while I know she’s right, I thought to myself, but what happens if I don’t want to balance it? My career has come first my whole life, so imagining a future where that isn’t the case is scary. So much of my identity has been tied up in being a girl boss - the woman who does it all. Who will I be if I’m no longer that person?

On the more practical side, I know that behind every fabulous working mom is an army of support system superstars. From partners who double as diaper-changing ninjas to babysitters and grandparents who swoop in like caped heroes, we owe a debt of gratitude to those who help keep our mommy-work balance intact.

We’ve chosen to enlist the help of a part-time nanny. She is a kind, older woman from Peru with a big heart and lots of experience. The verdict is still out on how I’ll feel leaving baby River with his nanny - stay tuned! 

For any moms who have experienced anxiety about returning to work, how did you handle it? What advice do you have for me or other working mamas? Did any of you decide to put your career on hold to raise your children?